Respect from your team is never automatic and cannot be demanded by title alone. Lia lays out two moves that actually earn it: rolling up your sleeves to genuinely understand the work, and operating with integrity by following through on what you say matters. This episode is especially useful for new leaders, founders managing former peers, and anyone whose team has started to tune them out.
This episode is part of the Self-Leadership & Mindset for Leaders series. Browse all episodes →
Mic drop moments
“If people aren’t as invested in their career growth as you are when you were in their shoes, or wanting to get to that next promotion, let them.”
“When we try to press our agenda on them, we might turn a high performer into someone that wants to leave because they feel like they have no future in that job.”
“…you can’t care more than they care.”
“When we apply this theory and we practice essentially this non-attachment, we are able to show up with such a clear head and actually help our team members achieve their goals.”
Episode highlights
Why you can’t care more than your team member cares
Lia opens with a story from her own time managing program managers. She was lengthening one-on-ones, going deep on coaching, laying out clear action items. Then meeting after meeting, nothing happened. Her team member wasn’t following up, wasn’t taking action. Lia’s instinct was to push harder and ask, “How do I make them care more?”
Her own manager stopped her with a line that maps directly to the Let Them Theory: you can’t care more than they care.
The Let Them move here is simple. If a team member isn’t taking action, let them. Stop extending sessions, stop chasing the follow-up. The Let Me move is equally clear: come back to me when you’ve completed these actions, and then we’ll move forward. Non-attachment isn’t giving up on the person. It’s stopping the cycle of resentment before it starts.
Stop pressing your career agenda onto your team
This is one of the most common traps for ambitious managers, especially in corporate environments where promotion ladders are visible and spelled out. You were driven. You wanted every promotion. So when a high performer says, “I don’t want to move into management, I’m happy where I am,” it can feel wrong.
Lia is direct: when you push your career agenda onto someone who has their own goals, you risk turning a high performer into someone who feels like they have no future on the team. That’s when they leave.
The Let Them move is letting that person have the goals they actually have. The Let Me move is figuring out how to help them thrive on their own terms. Not your terms. You are not the same person, and the job of a manager is to show up for them the way they need, not the way you would have wanted someone to show up for you.
When your team complains and you become the fixer
A team member is disengaged. They’re not loving their role. And as their manager, you start throwing solutions: “Can we try this? What about this? What if we shifted that?” You’re spinning plates trying to fix something they haven’t even defined yet.
Lia calls this painting a picture that you can fix everything, when you actually can’t. And it burns you out.
The Let Them move is letting that person sit with their own discomfort long enough to figure out what they actually want. The Let Me move is telling them: come back to me when you have an idea of what’s interesting to you or what you want to work on. Once they bring you a real kernel, that’s when your coaching and mentorship and thought partnership actually lands. Accountability stays where it belongs, with the team member, until they’ve done the first part of the work.
Comparison is a leadership problem, not just a personal one
Mel Robbins addresses comparison in the book from a personal angle. Lia extends it directly into leadership. She describes fixating on colleagues who got promoted faster, not knowing what they were actually doing, spiraling into “it’s not fair.”
Her honest take: a lot of workplace outcomes aren’t fair. Visibility, relationships, the right project at the right time, all of it plays a role. Fixating on the gap doesn’t help you close it. It actually slows you down.
But as a manager, this isn’t just about you. Your team is watching. If you’re chasing a measuring stick, your team feels that energy and you stop being able to chart a real path for them.
The reframe Lia offers is curiosity instead of comparison. What can you learn from how someone else got ahead? What does it reveal about what your leaders actually value right now? Use that information. You might even connect with the person directly and ask what kinds of projects they took on. Now the insight helps your whole team, not just your ego.
The real payoff of non-attachment
Lia wraps by naming the two patterns that got her most as a manager: fixating on why team members didn’t care as much as she did, and comparing career timelines. Both cost energy that could have gone toward actually helping people.
When you practice non-attachment through the Let Them lens, you show up with a clearer head. You stop projecting your ambitions, your timelines, and your standards onto people who have their own. That clarity is what lets you actually help your team reach their goals. Not yours.
Related episodes in this cluster
- Ep 228: Why ‘I shouldn’t have to deal with this’ is keeping you stuck as a leader. The ‘I shouldn’t have to’ mindset is one of the most common traps leaders fall into, and it quietly poisons every hard conversation before it even starts. Lia’s reframe is simple: shift from ‘I have to’ to ‘I get to,’ and watch how your team responds differently. This episode is especially useful for business owners and founders who never set out to be people leaders but now find themselves managing a team.
- Ep 217: What are you avoiding right now? The question that unlocks your leadership. The single question that separates high-performing leaders from struggling ones is: what am I avoiding right now? Lia walks through three common avoidances, making a necessary hire, giving hard feedback, and actually doing the leadership fundamentals, and shows how naming each one makes the fix surprisingly straightforward. This episode is most useful for founders, owners, and team leads who feel stuck, behind, or like the same problems keep resurfacing.
- Ep 205: Your team is watching how you react. Here is why it matters.. When leaders visibly vent frustration, teams lose morale and disengage before the work even begins. Lia walks through the self-management moves that keep your team steady, including how to acknowledge a hard situation, celebrate effort, and get ahead of setbacks before they knock everyone off course. Most useful for founders, executives, and team leads who set the emotional tone for their people.
- Ep 102: How to earn respect from your team (it cannot be forced). Respect from your team is never automatic and cannot be demanded by title alone. Lia lays out two moves that actually earn it: rolling up your sleeves to genuinely understand the work, and operating with integrity by following through on what you say matters. This episode is especially useful for new leaders, founders managing former peers, and anyone whose team has started to tune them out.
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Full transcript (click to expand)
If people aren’t as invested in their career growth as you are when you were in their shoes, or wanting to get to that next promotion, let them. When we try to press our agenda on them, we might turn a high performer into someone that wants to leave because they feel like they have no future in that job. Welcome to the Managing Made Simple podcast, where you get a masterclass in managing your team with ease in 15 minutes or less.
I’m Leah Garvin, your host and team operations consultant. Through this show and my programs with small businesses and corporate teams, I condense a decade of experience driving team operations in some of the most influential companies in tech into strategies to save you time, money, and most of all, stress. Doesn’t matter if you’re a business owner who realized that running a team isn’t as easy as you thought it would be. Are a new manager learning the ropes or a seasoned manager ready to up their game?
Everyone is welcome to hang out with Managing Made Simple. From conflicts to feedback to delegating and more, we leave no stone unturned when it comes to what makes us love managing, kind of hate it, and everything in between. Let’s go. Welcome back to the show. You know those things that you come across it and you’re like, why didn’t I find this sooner? And also, oh my gosh, I am so freaking grateful that I have this tool now.
Well, that’s what happened to me with Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory. The Let Them Theory is something that she started, I think it was with a viral Instagram reel, and it turned into a whole movement and her new book that’s just come out that I highly recommend. I literally listened to the audio book and then immediately started a second time because I was like, okay, I loved it and I had to go back into it. And so I wanted to talk about how the Let Them Theory will literally make you a better manager overnight.
Now, the Let Them Theory is all about letting adults be adults. This is what Mel says in the book, and that we can’t control what people think, how other people act, how other people respond to us. All we have is control of ourselves. And Let Them is the acknowledging that and saying, okay, that person cut me off while I was driving, or that person felt kind of, it was kind of short in that email, or one of the examples in her book, my friends went on a trip and I wasn’t invited, and saying, let them, like, I’m going to let it go.
Now, it’s not only that, it’s now once we say, let them, let me. And now we’re choosing the action that we want to take. That’s from a place of not comparison and not judging and not feeling down on ourselves from an empowered place. And as I was listening to this, I thought about, oh my gosh, this relates so much to being a manager. And she actually, I think at the end of the book includes some tools for how to relate this to teams and parenting and other scenarios.
But when I was listening to this, I thought of so many things that I came across as a manager and working with folks, consulting with teams, coaching managers and leaders that I just had to share with you today. So today I want to talk about how the Let Them theory will make you a better manager literally overnight and really focusing on three things. So first is when you’re getting frustrated because your team isn’t feeling that invested.
Okay. I had a team member once that when I was managing program managers, she really wanted to grow into her career. And I was spending more time in our one-on-ones. I lengthened them from 30 minutes to an hour. We were really diving into kind of more coaching. And I was really trying to help elevate her in her work. And when we would talk about different actions and takeaways, I started to notice meeting after meeting, she wasn’t following up.
She wasn’t taking action on any of that stuff. And I started to get really frustrated. I was like, why am I wasting my time with this person? They don’t even care. I’m putting so much energy in. And I made it all about like, why don’t they care? How can I make them care more? And I brought this up to my manager who said something very similar to the let them theory. And she said, Hey, if she’s not showing up, if she doesn’t want to do the work, you can’t care more than they care.
And this was a real aha moment for me. And as I was reading, I listened to the let them theory. It was like, Oh, that’s what that was. I needed to say, Hey, she doesn’t want to take the extra action letter. She doesn’t want to follow up on stuff letter. I don’t need to start to change and fixate and get resentful and feel like I don’t need to do that. Let her, but then let me, I don’t need to have the extra long one.
And I can say, Hey, come back to me when you’ve completed these actions. And then we’ll move forward with this. Right? So it’s a two part thing. And that’s why this theory is so awesome because we are letting people be them and not over trying to control them. And we’re also taking action. And that’s the first one I really want to impart on you as a manager, let them, if people aren’t as invested in their career growth as you are, when you were in their shoes or wanting to get to that next promotion.
I think a lot of us managers, especially in the corporate world, when that ladder is spelled out and we’re highly ambitious, we’re like, how come this person doesn’t want to get promoted? It’s all spelled out. And I’ve seen this a lot. Someone reaches a certain stage in their career and they’re like, Hey, I don’t want to be a manager. I don’t want to take on more. I’m really happy with what I’m doing. And when we try to press our agenda on them, we might turn a high performer into someone that wants to leave because they feel like they have no future in that job.
And that’s where the let them theory comes in, right? Is, Hey, if this person is doing a really good job and they’re a real asset for the team, let them have the goals that they have and let me help them thrive in whatever way that they want. That doesn’t have to be my agenda. And so you see, it starts to take a lot of pressure off everybody all around. And that’s why it applies so much. And immediately this makes you a better manager because you are showing up for that person, the way they need you, not the way you would have wanted someone to show up for you because you’re not the same person.
So then second place, I think we can really utilize the let them theory is when our team comes to you and they’re complaining about something. Maybe they’re not feeling motivated in their job today. Maybe they’re frustrated about the situation and we jump in immediately and we start being the saver. Now, I think it’s really critical to help. And we are responsible for our team’s motivation in many ways. And I talk about this in the new manager playbook of keys and how to do that, right?
Really connecting the dots between someone’s role and the bigger mission of your team or the company. There’s a lot of strategies there. But if a person is just kind of, meh, they’re complaining and they’re not really liking anything and always like, okay, well, can we try this? Can we try that? That is going to exhaust you and burn you out. And this person isn’t really taking responsibility for their own figuring stuff out. I think a lot of times we can get stuck as a manager, helping someone that’s not quite liking what they’re doing.
And we just throw, Hey, will this work? Will this work? Will this work? And it doesn’t get anywhere. Now with the let them theory, we would say, Hey, let them not be happy with this. Let me ask them, Hey, come back to me. I would love to know what’s interesting to you or what you want to work on and what you’re going to focus on. Come back to me when you have an idea and not jumping in and trying to solve it before that person has even figured out what they want.
Right? When we’re just throwing spaghetti at the wall, we sometimes paint a picture of like, we will be able to fix everything that we actually can’t. And when you flip this and your team member says, okay, you know, I’m realizing I don’t really feel comfortable in this aspect of the role. Like it involved a lot more client communication and that’s really not my strength. I like being behind the scenes or maybe vice versa. Now you’re leaving that agency and that accountability on your team member.
This is work. Like this is their job, right? You’re not supposed to be just kind of spinning plates around trying to help them find something when they haven’t articulated it. Once they have an idea and a solution, now it’s your job. Let me to help coach them and mentor them and be a thought partner. Right? But they have to start. They have to have the kernel first. Now, the third place we can really utilize the let them theory is really more on ours.
And this is an example that Mel has in the book is not overly comparing ourselves, especially in our careers to other people’s paths. I struggled with this so hard in the corporate world. I was always looking at it. Wait a second. Why did that person get promoted in two years and I’m going on three years and I should get it now? And how come? What do they even do? Like, do they even have as big of a team as me?
And how do they do that? And I would fixate and fixate and fixate, compare myself. And I had really no idea what the details were, what they were working on. And I’m going to let you in a little secret. In the corporate world, in the workplace, in life in general, a lot of stuff isn’t fair, to be honest. Right? A lot of stuff can be who someone knows or, you know, they were on the right project that the right certain person got visibility into it or the right set of situations came where like that was what the people making the promotion decisions wanted to see.
And we can compare ourselves and get overly focused on it and start getting down on ourselves and actually slow our own selves down by getting lost in that. And the let them theory says, hey, let them get whatever accolade they got. Let me focus on what I can do. Okay. Let me look at this as, oh, this person with this set of leaders in our chain, visibility was really important with another set of leaders. Hey, really being in the details is really important with another set.
Hey, revenue growth. That was the thing that I got to focus on. And now as a leader, you can focus both yourself and your team on those things. If you’re just fixating and comparing and saying, it’s not fair. They got there faster. How are you supposed to support your team and getting to the goal? If you actually look under the hood and think, okay, well, let me observe this. What are we learning here? You might also not only help yourself get on a faster trajectory, really understand how the system works within your company, but help your team understand that too.
Now, that’s why I talk about comparison when it comes to managing, because you aren’t just looking out for yourself anymore. You’re looking out for a whole set of people who are looking to you to find the way. And when you think that it’s just a measuring stick and, oh, I’m just going to chase what that same person’s doing over there. Then you are not setting your team up for success. When you figure out, okay, how do I learn how to get ahead in this company?
What does my team need to be doing to achieve their goals? Now you’re actually helping all of you succeed. You see the difference there? It’s not comparison. It’s learning from it. It’s putting on your detective hat and saying, oh, I’m curious, right? Maybe you connect with that person. You say like, it’s really awesome how fast you were able to go to that next level. Like, I’m so curious, what kind of projects did you take on? What kinds of things were your teams involved in?
Now you’ve opened the door for everyone to benefit from it. This book is game-changing because it allows us immediately to let go of the stuff that may have been burdening us for years. I know the comparison stuff is one that gets me. And that overly like, why don’t they care as much as I care? And why don’t they want the same things? That got me so much as a manager. And I’d be frustrated with my team when, hey, I should understand, well, this thing is not important to them.
That’s important to me. And this thing that’s important to me isn’t important to them. And that’s okay. All that stuff is okay. When we apply this theory and we practice essentially this non-attachment, we are able to show up with such a clear head and actually help our team members achieve their goals. All right. So highly recommend checking out the book and really thinking as you’re reading it or listening to it, how can I apply this to my team and really myself?
It’s absolutely game-changing and I can’t recommend it enough. See you next time. That’s all I have for today. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Managing Made Simple podcast, where my goal is to demystify the job of people management so that together we can make the workplace somewhere everyone can thrive. With that said, let’s spread the word. If you love this episode, please pass it along to someone who might benefit from it. See you next time.
Questions this episode answers
What do I do when my team member isn't motivated to grow or get promoted?
Let them have the goals they actually have, not the ones you think they should have. When you press your own ambitions onto a team member who is happy where they are, you risk turning a solid performer into someone who feels stuck and wants to leave. Instead, focus on helping them thrive in the way that matters to them. That shift takes the pressure off everyone and means you are showing up for that person the way they need, not the way you would have wanted someone to show up for you.
How do I stop burning out trying to fix a team member who keeps complaining but won't engage?
Stop throwing solutions at someone who hasn't figured out what they want yet. When a team member is unhappy but can't articulate why, constantly suggesting fixes exhausts you and goes nowhere. Instead, put the work back on them: ask them to come back to you with an idea of what they want to focus on. Once they bring you a clear picture of the problem, that is your cue to coach and support. They have to find the starting point first. You are not responsible for solving something they haven't defined.
How do I stop comparing myself to coworkers who got promoted faster than me?
Comparing yourself to someone else's timeline slows you down and tells you nothing useful. A lot of what drives promotions in the workplace is visibility, timing, and circumstances you may not have full context on. Instead of fixating on what seems unfair, put on a detective hat and get curious. Ask that person what kinds of projects they focused on, what their team prioritized. That curiosity turns comparison into learning, and as a leader, that knowledge helps your whole team, not just you.
What is the Let Them Theory and how does it apply to managing a team?
The Let Them Theory, from Mel Robbins, is built on the idea that you cannot control how other people think, act, or respond. You can only control yourself. In a team context, this means releasing the frustration that comes from wanting your team members to care about the same things you care about. When you say 'let them' to a behavior you cannot change, the second step is 'let me,' choosing a clear, empowered action of your own. That two-part shift helps leaders stop overreaching and start managing from a calmer, more effective place.
How do I care less about my team's growth than they do without feeling like I'm failing as a leader?
You cannot care more about someone's career than they do, and trying to will leave you resentful and exhausted. If a team member is not following through on development actions you discuss together, the move is to stop extending extra time and energy until they show up ready. Tell them to come back once they have completed the agreed steps, then you will move forward together. That is not abandoning them. It is respecting that their growth is ultimately their responsibility, and protecting your own capacity to lead well.