Managing Made Simple is a podcast for people managers who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or just want to lead their teams better. Lia Garvin covers the real, messy questions every manager faces, from running better one-on-ones to giving hard feedback to escaping the micromanagement trap. If you are a manager who cares enough to show up and keep getting better, this podcast is for you.
This episode is part of the Special Collections (Q&As, Book Launches, AMAs) series. Browse all episodes →
Mic drop moments
“…when we ask questions that way to our team members, now we are gonna get them out of a defense into a more place of possibility of talking about it, of action.”
“…one of the biggest reasons why we start micromanaging is not because we want it, is not because we wanna control everything. But because we are getting pressure from our own management chain.”
“Setting expectations is about bringing more clarity and transparency into what you’re doing.”
Episode highlights
Why “difficult” team members are often just testing you
When someone pushes back on everything, it is easy to get defensive or start labeling them a problem. Lia pushes back on that instinct. People who disagree at every turn are often testing whether you are a stable, consistent force, the same way a four-year-old says no to everything to see if a parent holds steady. The first move is not to correct or confront; it is to ask.
The key is the framing of the question. Ask “what” not “why.” “Why are you frustrated?” puts someone on defense. “What is going on here? What would you like to see different?” opens a conversation. That small shift moves the person from a closed, reactive posture into one where they can actually tell you what they need.
Then ask how they would approach it. This signals that you hear them, that their perspective matters, and it gives them somewhere to put that energy constructively. Finally, give them a little space. Sometimes the frustration is about a reorg, a promotion they wanted, or a decision they disagreed with. A little room, combined with genuine curiosity, is often enough for someone to come around.
Why micromanaging usually comes from the top, not from you
Preeti from Chicago named something a lot of leaders feel but rarely say out loud: pressure from your own manager can push you into micromanaging your team, even when that is the last thing you want to do.
Lia’s answer is to set expectations with your leadership chain directly. Not “back off, I have this” but something more like: “I am creating space for my team to step up and lead in this area. I will not be as deep in the weeds for the next few weeks, and I will keep you updated at these specific intervals.” That framing communicates intentionality. It shows your leader that you have a plan, you are in control, and they will stay informed.
The second layer is influencing strategy. Borrowing from Dale Carnegie, Lia points to showing people what is in it for them. When managing up, connect your approach to what your leader cares about: “I am developing my team as leaders, creating more visibility for our work, and helping people take on more responsibility.” That reframes delegation as a strength, not an absence.
When to coach and when to just give clear instructions
Joe from Austin asked the question Lia hears constantly: how do you know when to coach versus when to simply tell someone what to do?
The starting point is listening and curiosity. When someone says they feel stuck, do not assume you know what that means. Ask more. “What does stuck look like for you right now?” Once you understand the real situation, you know which tool to reach for.
For situations that genuinely require instruction, Lia recommends the teaching framework “I do, we do, you do.” Model the task yourself, then do it together with the person, then let them run it independently. That sequence sets a clear picture of what success looks like and gives people a chance to learn alongside someone before they are on their own.
For everything else, coaching is almost always the better default. Even after you have finished instructing, there is an opening to pivot back: “Now that you have the fundamentals, how would you approach this?” That question hands ownership back to the team member and keeps them in a problem-solving posture rather than a waiting-for-answers one.
Related episodes in this cluster
- Ep 121: What is quiet vacationing and how do you stop it from happening on your team?. Quiet vacationing is when employees take time off without formally notifying anyone or fully disconnecting, quietly dialing in from wherever they happen to be. Lia breaks down why it happens and how clear working norms, honest conversations about expectations, and honoring real time off are the fix. This episode is especially useful for founders, owners, and team leads managing remote or hybrid teams.
- Ep 105: What is The Unstoppable Team and how will it help you manage with less stress. The Unstoppable Team is Lia Garvin’s book that gives owners, founders, and team leaders the practical “how” behind managing a team without overwhelm. It distills the six pillars of her Ops Playbook program (priorities, onboarding, expectations, delegation, work tracking, and performance) into a hands-on companion you can implement right away. This episode is most useful for anyone who has the vision and the strategy but keeps getting stuck on execution.
- Ep 39: Venting vs. needing help, unmet expectations, and manager thrash: three real questions answered. When a team member comes to you with a problem, the single most useful thing you can do before taking any action is ask what they actually need from you. Lia walks through three frameworks: distinguishing venting from a real ask for help, resetting expectations before escalating a performance issue, and rebuilding trust after inheriting a team burned by manager turnover. This episode is especially useful for leaders who feel the urge to immediately jump in and solve every problem their team brings them.
- Ep 0: What is Managing Made Simple and who is it for?. Managing Made Simple is a podcast for people managers who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or just want to lead their teams better. Lia Garvin covers the real, messy questions every manager faces, from running better one-on-ones to giving hard feedback to escaping the micromanagement trap. If you are a manager who cares enough to show up and keep getting better, this podcast is for you.
Want to go deeper?
Unstuck. Get unstuck in your career and your leadership.
Full transcript (click to expand)
Giving space, then asking, you know, I’d love to hear more. Where are you feeling frustrated? Where are you feeling stuck? And then asking how they’d approach it. I think that’s gonna really help this person show up better and is gonna help improve your relationship with this difficult coworker. And again, we don’t wanna label people as difficult, just like I talked about in that unlucky situations episode. We don’t wanna label people low performers before we’ve given them an opportunity to really show us a different side of themselves.
Welcome to the Managing Made Simple podcast, where I bring a decade of experience working in some of the most influential companies in tech to help you navigate the ins and outs of being a people manager from conflicts to feedback to delegating. We will leave no stone unturned when it comes to what makes us love managing, kind of hate it and everything in between. Doesn’t matter if you’re a new manager looking for some tips or a seasoned manager looking up their game.
Everyone is welcome to hang out with Managing Made Simple. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go, let’s go. Welcome back to the show and our very first Ask Me Anything episode. Wanted to start by giving a shout out to thank everyone who submitted questions. I got a ton of great questions and I will walk through three today and three next time and we’ll go from there. Another great place to get your questions answered is my manager quiz at liagarvin.com/managerquiz.
Fill out that quiz and share where you’re getting stuck, and I will send you a personalized video with a couple tips and tricks and strategies to try on your team, so you are not gonna wanna miss that. All right, let’s dive in. First question comes from Sarah from San Francisco. How do I deal with a difficult team member, someone who disagrees with everything I ask? Oh yeah. I think we’ve all been here. I think we have.
And when this happens, just wanna acknowledge how frustrating this is because you’re the manager. We’re gonna go ahead and assume we’re all trying really hard. We wanna have a good relationship with our team members and they’re kind of saying no at every turn. And when this happens, it can be tough to continue to bring the positive energy and be supportive. But I think sometimes a person’s doing this because they’re testing you. Just like I always hear with my four year old when they’re disagreeing and they’re saying no to everything, they’re testing me and they want to see that I.
Stable force and I’m gonna continue to offer support. So I recommend trying that same strategy with your team member. And first we ask them, you know, where is your frustration? What’s going on here? You know, what do you need? And notice, just like I talked about in my episode around how to reframe unlucky situations as a manager, which I will link to in the show notes. Notice I ask the question with a what? Not a why not?
Why are you frustrated? Why are you upset? But what’s going on here? What’s something that you’d like to see different? What’s making you feel stuck? Because when we ask questions that way to our team members, now we are gonna get them out of a defense into a more place of possibility of talking about it, of action. And that’s the first thing I would suggest is to say, what’s going on here? What’s causing the frustration? Because we wanna give someone the benefit of doubt.
If they’re feeling frustrated, let’s say we believe that there is something that happened. Maybe they are frustrated about where the project is going. They don’t agree with the direction. Maybe part of their role got changed in the way that priority shook out whatever it is. And by understanding the frustration and by demonstrating, Hey, I care about you. I care what you’re talking about here. I care that you’re upset. This is going to help you build a strong relationship with this team.
Next. I think it’s really helpful to ask that person, well, how would you approach it? What do you think could work here? Again, with this open-ended? What question we can help someone really better communicate what they wanna see or why they’re feeling frustrated. So this is gonna help us when we say, what would you like to see here? Now we’re showing, Hey, I hear you. I see you. I’m interested in what you have to say. And this can also prevent someone from constantly disagreeing with us.
Also, again, works with that four year old like magic. Then last thing I would say with this person, give ’em a little, Maybe the person is frustrated about, you know, you becoming their manager. They wanted to be the manager. That happens all the time, or maybe they’re frustrated about a reorg or they disagree with a decision. Give them a little space and hopefully they come around. So I think giving space, then asking, you know, I’d love to hear more.
Where are you feeling frustrated? Where are you feeling stuck? And then asking how they’d approach it. I think that’s gonna really help this person show up better and is gonna help improve your relationship with this difficult coworker. And again, we don’t wanna label people as difficult, just like I talked about in that unlucky situations episode. We don’t wanna label people. Low performers before we’ve given them an opportunity to really show us a different side of themselves.
Next question. This comes from Preeti from Chicago. How do I manage up? Okay. My manager’s always asking about my team, and it’s making me feel like I have to micromanage. Well, Preeti, you hit the nail on the head because I think one of the biggest reasons why we start micromanaging is not because we want it, is not because we wanna control everything. But because we are getting pressure from our own management chain, and the way that I would suggest doing this is setting expectations.
I just did an episode on this for how to set expectations on your team, and it’s a really powerful tool to use when managing up is well. Setting expectations is about bringing more clarity and transparency into what you’re doing. So when you’re talking with your own management chain, it’s not like saying, Hey, lay off. I got this. But saying, Hey, I’m really creating opportunities for my team members to step up. I want them to be leading in this area.
So I’m not gonna be as far in the weeds on this project for the next couple weeks, but I will inform you on progress at these specific intervals. That’s how we set expectation with our leadership chain, that we’ve got this. What we’re doing is intentional, deliberate, we have the situation handled and we’re clear on when we will keep them in the loop. So I have found that really, really powerful for setting expectations and getting a little space for myself as I’m trying to delegate instead of falling into micromanagement.
I think managing up also requires a little bit of influencing strategy, and when we’re doing that, I think back to Dale Carnegie and the lesson of, you know, making. Think that the idea was theirs or showing someone what’s in it for them, and this is not trying to trick them or whatever. This is about understanding that people are more bought in when they see something is in it for them. Okay? This is why we really need to talk about the why when we’re setting expectations.
I mentioned that in that episode, and it’s also why we talk about what’s in it for someone when we’re talking about. Our approach to something. So when we’re managing up, we can say, Hey, I’m working on really developing our team members as leaders. I’m really working on finding opportunities to help people step up to bring more visibility to our team. Here are some of the ways I’m doing that. I think it’s gonna really help us shine.
You know, this is the way to talk about, okay, this is great for that leader. To see that you are helping people step up and, and take on responsibilities. This is not about you sort of falling short as a manager. Last but not least, we got Joe from Austin wondering, how do I know when is the right time to coach versus instruct? This is a great question and something that comes up a lot. When I talk about coaching as a manager superpower, and I would say to go back to that episode also to know sort of some examples of when to use coaching and some skills on how to do that.
Now, figuring out when is the right time to coach versus instruct. I think a lot of this comes down to really listening and being curious, which are two skills that I talk about in that episode so that you know, what does this person need right now? You know, if a person is saying, I’m feeling stuck or frustrated, that’s an opportunity to. What’s going on? What does that mean to you? Again, these open-ended questions so that you understand what’s really happening in that person’s space so that you’re not making assumptions on, oh, stuck means I need to teach them how to do their job.
Or stuck means something that isn’t actually what they need. So once we ask more about the situation, then we know what skill to deploy. And coaching is not the only skill that you’ll use as a manager, but it’s one I’m gonna bet you’re gonna use a lot more than you did before as you start building the the proficiency. There are situations where someone needs specific instructions on something, and I think using that model from teaching of I do, we do, you do, is a really effective way to have someone learn something.
So for example, you model something, maybe it’s how to lead a meeting or do a specific task or whatever, and then you maybe do it with your team and then that person goes on their own. Then you show that you’ve kind of set the expectation around how to do it, what success looks like. Folks have gotten the opportunity to do it together and learn from each other, and then they’re ready to go on their own. So I think that’s a really valuable tool to use for when you have to teach or instruct something versus when you have to coach.
But when you wanna coach, this is about helping someone find the solution to the problem within themselves. And frankly, that’s what we always kind of wanna be doing. So even if we are instructing our guiding, there’s always an opportunity to pivot back into coaching by saying, okay, now that you have the fundamental. How would you approach this? What would you do differently? What do you want to try here? Those are going to get the person back in the mode of saying, okay, I can really step up.
I can add value here, and I’m gonna be owning the solution to this problem. Thank you, Sarah, Preeti and Joe for submitting your questions. Thank you. Everyone else as well. I will be jumping into three more questions next time and again, in the meantime, if you have a question and want that, Personalized video of recommendations to try on your team. Head to liaarvin.com/managerquiz “ManagerQuiz” is all one word. Fill out that short quiz and I will send you a personalized video with ideas to try on your team.
See you next time. That’s all I have for today. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Managing Made Simple Podcast where my goal is to demystify the job of people management so that together we can make the workplace somewhere everyone can thrive. I always love to hear from you, so please reach out at liagarvin.com or message me on LinkedIn. See you next time.
Questions this episode answers
How do I deal with a team member who disagrees with everything I say?
Start by giving them some space, then ask open-ended questions like 'What's causing your frustration?' or 'What would you like to see different?' Use 'what' questions instead of 'why' questions because 'why' puts people on the defensive, while 'what' opens up a conversation about possibilities and action. Then ask how they would approach the situation. This shows you hear them and care about their perspective, which often reduces the pushback. Avoid labeling someone as difficult before giving them a real chance to show a different side of themselves.
How do I manage up when my boss keeps checking in and making me feel like I have to micromanage my team?
The key is setting clear expectations with your own leadership chain before pressure builds. Instead of telling them to back off, proactively communicate your intentions. For example, tell them you are creating opportunities for team members to step up, so you will not be in the weeds for a couple weeks, but you will update them at specific intervals. Also frame your approach in terms of what is in it for them. Leaders stay more bought in when they can see the benefit, so explain how your approach develops the team and brings more visibility to the group.
How do I know when to coach my employee versus just giving them direct instructions?
Listen carefully and ask open-ended questions first so you actually understand what the person needs, rather than assuming. If someone says they feel stuck, that does not automatically mean they need to be taught how to do their job. Once you understand the situation, you can choose the right approach. Use direct instruction with the 'I do, we do, you do' model when someone needs to learn a specific skill or task. Use coaching when they already have the fundamentals and need help finding the solution within themselves. Even after instructing, you can always pivot back to coaching by asking 'How would you approach this now?'
What's the difference between coaching and instructing as a manager, and why does it matter?
Instructing is about teaching someone how to do something specific. A useful model is 'I do, we do, you do': you model the task, then do it together, then let them lead on their own. Coaching is different. It is about helping someone find the solution to a problem within themselves, using open-ended questions like 'What would you try here?' or 'What does that mean to you?' Coaching builds ownership and confidence in your team members. Both tools matter, but coaching tends to be something leaders use far more often than they expect once they start building that skill.